saying No, why being sick is good for me, appreciation.

My new mantra for the last couple of weeks has been "Just Say No". While this sounds like a simple thing to do I find it to be incredibly challenging. The saying was created to tackle my seemingly compulsive need to do anything and everything that sounds interesting. Here are some examples of how this tends to play out:

Sweet lecture on Thursday? I’d better get tickets.
Frisbee practice Thursday night? Couldn’t miss the chance to play.
Make dinner as a house on Thursday? Definitely- we’re never all together! In fact- I should invite some other friends over as well.
Oh, wait- Live music at the pub, Thursday at 11? I am SO there, I’ll meet you guys outside.

Suddenly my evening is thoughtlessly a big block of time, say from 4pm-1:30am, that is instantly filled with things to do. Each moment, alone, could be wonderful- that entire list is temptingly interesting and fun-filled. Unfortunately, when piled together in a big lineup any pleasant evening turns into a rushed evening. Each event or activity is overshadowed by what will be coming next as I hurry to meet my own promises and expectations, without letting myself or others down.

Thus- the mantra.
Just say no.

This is difficult for me to do- in the past if I was out of town for some wonderful party, or heard friends describing a great evening they shared together I could feel myself getting disappointed. I would think “why did I have to miss that?” or “Why didn’t they call me, that would’ve been great!” Not only is this a negative, self-defeating outlook it also diminishes what I was actually doing- whether it was spending time with another friend, going to a concert in Boston, or simply getting a little more sleep for a change. “Just say no” is another way of saying “appreciate what you are doing” and “choose wisely”. There is a limited amount of time to live all of the amazing possibilities that exist, and I’m starting to become more in-touch with what I enjoy the most, what is fulfilling for me, and what I need present in my life to have balance. While I could certainly be social from 4:30pm-1:30am, would I personally benefit, and would the whole evening benefit, from having some moments alone- to reflect on the present and the past instead of focusing on the future? I think so.

With this in mind I am trying to appreciate something that I can’t say “no” to being sick. I certainly did try to deny it. I covered it up with positive, energetic thinking, by taking Mucinex and carrying around a handkerchief and by assuming that it would get better after a week or so. What I didn’t do was change my routine so I could get significantly more sleep. I didn’t stop exercising or stop traveling over the weekends. Even worse, I didn’t try and be present in my ill body and focus on the symptoms it was whispering to me. Lo and behold- the whispering then turned into a scream as the cold lasted longer and longer and got more and more serious.

During moments of meditation I tried to further deny its demands- focusing on my breath while smothering my coughs, walking meditatively when my body felt exhausted. I am starting to learn, and hoping to remember, that my body getting sick is my body trying to talk to me. It is telling me that I am ignoring it, draining and straining it, that I am failing to meet its needs. And even further, it is reminding me that I don’t control my body nearly as much as I think. This consciousness that I spend so much time using, that schedules and demands, is not actually a full ‘me’, it can’t actually control my runny nose or my foggy brain. What I can do is to try and hold this realization and remember that the paradox of our mind and body is that they are a combination of control and powerlessness. Instead of struggling with the paradox I want to appreciate my body and my mind in both sickness and health. This appreciation is also necessary to choose how to use my time instead of shallowly rushing through the engagements and tasks that fill each day.

Health is not valued till sickness comes.
-Thomas Fuller