paradoxes, self-appreciation and apologies

Appreciation is a funny, double-edged sword. How can you simultaneously appreciate and want to change something? How much time do we typically spend doing one in comparison to the other? I recently realized that self-appreciation is something that I rarely consciously do. I mean- isn't college about making yourself better? Shouldn't I be constantly thinking about increasing my knowledge of subjects, my awareness and sensitivity to others, my ability to communicate, craft, organize and find balance? While those are all goals with many merits I want to try and take moments to appreciate who I am now, what I have already accomplished or learned. This is a rather paradoxical endeavor for someone who habitually creates 'self-betterment projects' because I become ironically disappointed in myself when I fail to give myself a break.
The reason all of this has been on my mind is the tenor of the past week. Oversleeping through Teleclass on sunday was just the beginning of a week-long cycle in which the common theme was lateness. Small and big things in my schedule slipped through the cracks, and for some reason I couldn't seem to get it all back in control. I felt overwhelmed by the seeming mass of unconquerable mistakes that were hardly permanently damaging and yet didn't seem conquerable. I felt inept, unreliable, uninspired, and (especially relevant given the application process I am going through) insufficient. Interestingly, this description makes the week sound like a terrible void of happiness or enjoyment, and this is far from the case. I had many illuminating conversations, a few adventures, and lots of laughter. However- the flavor of the week was one of stress and anxiety and when I feel overwhelmed my default mode is to tense up. I rush from place to place with a strained expression, hoping someone will cut me a little slack, excuse me for my mistake but always declining to do the same internally. I'm starting to realize that no kind of external forgiveness can replace that. Just like an apology to another person starts within and is expressed outwards, forgiveness must originate in me before I can begin to believe it and then accept it.
The truth is, the worst moments of failure are always those that let other people down- moments that are neglegent and create inconvenience or unhappiness. Without a certain amount of self-forgiveness an apology for that kind of failure is not about sincere regret for the persons inconveneince. Instead it becomes a defense or a justification for the personal failure- it is selfish desire for pardon. These are distinguished primarily by who you are trying to make feel better: the other person or yourself. In future situations in which I fail myself or others I hope to recognize the factors involved in my failure and take personal and public responsibility for them. That foundation provides me with the support to create true apologies and the ability to leave behind failures instead of carrying them with me throughout the week (or even longer).
I'm not advocating that we stop feeling remorse, that there shouldn't be partly selfish motives for apologizing or that self-forgiveness is a simple equation for each situation. However, I hope that this perspective will help me be easier on myself, especially because stress, failure and disorganization all feed off of each other and build into piles that seem insurmountable. It will take patience and appreciation to overcome such moments with health and humor- not stress or self-flagellation.

If I cannot forgive myself for all the blunders
That I have made over the years,
Then how can I proceed?
How can I ever dream perfection-dreams?
Move, I must, forward.
Fly, I must, upward.
Dive, I must, inward,
To be once more
What I truly am
And shall forever remain.

-Sri Chinmoy