ease, Alaskan mountains, family

(Written Thursday, March 17th)

When I arrived home under the stars of an early morning, exhaustion overtook me. Since returning to school in the fall I have felt exhausted many times. This is a different kind of exhaustion than I experience on the trail crew, where my body was honestly sore and begging to lay itself down. The exhaustion I find at Bowdoin comes from over-production, denying my body's needs in the face of my stuffed schedule, class syllabi and social tendencies. So arriving in Alaska, with two weeks (relatively) open in front of me, I finally gave in to that exhaustion as I haven't in months. And I slept for three days. I mean, really, I practically did nothing but sleep. Even now, although not ill, my body recognizes this respite, a period of ease which it responds to by relaxing with a spine-clicking sigh of relief. What is amazing about this “ease” is how difficult I usually find it to relax, to “let go” of my goals and needs and instead focus on the present. This semester I’ve spent an unprecedented amount of time learning how to just “be”, even if only for a few minutes of meditation or an hour of exercise and now I am more able than ever before to expand that mantra to my lifestyle. As Lao Tzu said, “fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt.” I think the lesson here is that expecting and trying to do too much will make your undoing. I know my “Bowl” had been brimming over for quite long enough before I arrived at home and finally stopped trying to fill it for a couple of days.

After three days of almost pure sleep, movies, and lounging I finally roused myself to Alaska and got away into the mountains with my sister. Fiona and I have had trouble getting along for the last year or so, but this trip has been decidedly different. We're communicating well and honestly, conversations aided by cross-country skiing beneath the majesty of snowy cliffs and ridges, or tele-skiing down slopes with a view of the ocean in the distance. I have been trying to understand what somehow allowed this sudden change in our relationship, our lack of fighting or frustration with each other. A wise professor once said "You do what you value" and this adage has been bumping around in my head recently. This spring break, for the first time in a long time, I have made a strong effort to spend time with my sister. We've made plans, communicated our schedules and needs, and found activities that are mutually exciting to both of us. Our house brims with energy. Last night the whole family walked along the frozen mudflats of the beach with our two old sled dogs wandering around in the trees. She burst into a ho-dance to her own little song, aggressively hipping me until I suddenly began a scattered harmony and some sweet sidestepping. My dad giggled at us for 10-15 seconds and then started dancing along with us up the path. We probably looked like lunatics, but it felt so good to have that kind of experience with my family, especially because we have struggled so much to connect over the last several years. Perhaps we are all getting better at letting go of the past and “being” in the present- even if that means dancing in the snow along the beach.

“In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present.”
-Lao Tzu